for everyone asking if a man really wrote this-yes, he did. and he is very much real. no, it isn't AI. some of us are already lucky enough to be seen like this. let that be your sign-it’s real and very much attainable. good men are out there, and they see you. keep manifesting-because what’s meant for you is already finding its way <3
Yes. There are men out there without an ulterior motive or selfish agenda—who do not take for granted the gift of a woman.
This essay is literally a clarion call for the men who have not offered their strength, their vulnerability (which is a strength in itself,) or their due affirmation, or unselfish celebration toward women. Especially those women who have been overlooked, taken for granted, or not seen.
“But here’s something that hit me recently: a woman is not obligated to receive your love just because you gave it. And her "no" doesn’t need to come with an apology.”
this old man must not understand the words. a woman is not obligated to receive the efforts of a man to express his desire for a particular woman; but if she does accept them, i think she does need to say no with an apology. brushing off the "advances" of random males is not what i am describing.
Not because it was romantic or lofty, but because it was true. Because it saw women not as symbols or plot points, but as full, breathing people who have always carried more than they were ever meant to.
It reminded me of someone in my life. Someone who listens instead of tries to solve. Who stays in the room when the truth gets uncomfortable. Who doesn’t look at me and see a puzzle to decode... but a whole world worth learning with patience, presence, and awe.
And it also reminded me of all the moments I wasn’t seen. Of the times I was adored for my softness and punished for my strength. Expected to soothe while never being held. It made space for that grief, and it honored it.
Thank you for writing this. For holding up a mirror without turning it into a weapon. For being brave enough to ask men to unlearn. For reminding all of us—regardless of gender—what it means to truly see someone.
This is weird; I relate to this, as a determined but neurotic and somewhat conflict averse man. A Bitch: someone who doesn’t perform their gender well.
This a beautiful piece of writing. It touched me deeply and I could relate to it as I have stumbled through 40 years of marriage. It was only when our marriage was on the brink of end five years ago, that I began to really see, listen to, and appreciate my wife and all her strength and tenderness. I learned more about her in the last five years of doing deep hard work with her to save our marriage than I learned in the previous 35.
Who are you? Where have you been? How on earth did you teach me things I’ve always felt but haven’t fully acknowledged? I can hardly believe this was written by a man. Thank God! At last! What a gift. The woman who is your match will be blessed beyond her wildest dreams. I’m so glad this was written by a man. Treasure your gift and spread your message across the world. This post makes me believe that all things are possible.
This is beautiful, especially coming from a man with a gentle point of view. I read your earlier post on 'what women don't understand about men' and both perspectives are beautiful and vulnerable. Thank you
What if the greatest illusion wasn’t the idea that women are mysterious, but the idea that men were ever really looking?
We say women are complex, like it’s a riddle to crack open over wine and candlelight. But what if we’ve only ever been seeing outlines, not interiors? Scripts, not souls?
Men wax poetic about the feminine mystique, chasing it like it’s a plot twist. But maybe what they call “mystery” is just the echo of voices they never stopped to listen to. The kind of silence that isn’t absence, but restraint. The kind that holds back because it’s learned, too many times, that speaking doesn’t mean being heard.
We say we respect women, yet we know more about what they wear than what keeps them up at night. We admire their beauty, their strength, their resilience, but rarely pause long enough to ask what did it cost her to survive today?
Women navigate this world like tightrope walkers, soft but strong, kind but not weak, beautiful but not threatening. They bend. They balance. They absorb. And the applause they get for that act? Often hollow. Often late.
There’s a quiet tragedy in being loved for your softness but punished for your strength. In being touched but never truly seen.
And somewhere along the way, boys learn that emotions are landmines. That needing something makes you weak. That vulnerability is for girls, and girls are puzzles, not people.
So the love they offer becomes performance. And what they expect in return isn’t partnership, it’s relief. Validation. Rescue.
But love isn’t a mirror. And a woman isn’t your second chance at childhood. She’s not your therapist, your teacher, or your unfinished poem. She’s a person. One who doesn’t owe you her softness, her forgiveness, or her time, especially when you’ve never earned her understanding.
To love a woman is not to stand in front of her with answers. It’s to sit beside her with questions. To hold space when it’s messy. To witness when it’s loud.
Real intimacy? It doesn’t demand she shrink. It dares you to grow.
We keep calling women “complicated,” when maybe the real complexity is what’s required of them just to move through the world intact.
And maybe the real mystery isn’t who she is.
Maybe it’s whether you’re brave enough to find out.
Not by fixing. Not by solving. Just by staying. By seeing. By choosing her, not as a role, but as a reality.
Maybe then, and only then, does love become what it was always meant to be: not rescue. Not redemption. But recognition.
And isn’t that what we all want in the end?
To be seen. Truly seen. And still, gently, beautifully chosen.
That’s a great sentiment. People should always try to understand other people. But people are messy and confounding, and going in with any sort of game plan, as men are wont to do, is a recipe for disaster. Best to just be real and if it clicks, stick with it. If not, well, that’s kind of the norm.
Also, for a lot of women today, ‘being understood’ ie ‘expressing satisfaction’ is to admit defeat somehow. Probably after centuries of signaling that their worth is measured in how hard they are to please.
Some men don’t understand or care to understand women. Some women don’t understand or care to understand men. Some people don’t understand or care to understand other people.
One thing that might help you deepen your understanding of men and women is biology. It is the missing piece for so many. You wrote: “Somewhere along the way, society taught boys to conquer”. If you examine human behavior (all of it) through an evolutionary lens, looking at the behavior of other primate species and mammals in general you will see many similarities. The array of human behavior seen in other mammals are triggered by instincts and drives that we share with them. These instincts and drives trigger our behaviors and emotions, which trigger our thoughts. And the male DRIVE to conquer, while it varies among individual men has roots older than humanity itself.
It’s important to take great care when trying to extrapolate from other primates to human behaviors. Homo sapiens split from other primates around 2 million years ago. Most of what differentiates humans from other primates came during the intervening period, from intelligence to creativity to collective cooperation. The concept of a primate male drive to conquer is an invented interpretation that is sociological rather than biological in origin; no such commonality is actually seen across all primate species. Whatever our instincts may be, they are mediated and expressed through mental and emotional lives that are entirely different than the closest primates, chimpanzees and bonobos.
this is so beautiful. i feel like you understood everything i’ve felt. you touched my heart in the most beautiful way.
you’re truly so talented, kind-hearted and mesmerizing human being. i hope joy, success, love and bravery into your life. thank you for writing this, your words are truly so beautiful and important, everybody have to read this. this has to be seen and read by every single human being.
i can sense how beautiful your soul and heart is by reading this. that’s a gift. i hope you’re feeling good and i’m sending lots of love & hugs for you 🤍
for everyone asking if a man really wrote this-yes, he did. and he is very much real. no, it isn't AI. some of us are already lucky enough to be seen like this. let that be your sign-it’s real and very much attainable. good men are out there, and they see you. keep manifesting-because what’s meant for you is already finding its way <3
i-
i don’t even know what to say. just, thank you. truly. this means more than you know.
Yes. There are men out there without an ulterior motive or selfish agenda—who do not take for granted the gift of a woman.
This essay is literally a clarion call for the men who have not offered their strength, their vulnerability (which is a strength in itself,) or their due affirmation, or unselfish celebration toward women. Especially those women who have been overlooked, taken for granted, or not seen.
“But here’s something that hit me recently: a woman is not obligated to receive your love just because you gave it. And her "no" doesn’t need to come with an apology.”
Thank you. Finally, someone gets it.
this old man must not understand the words. a woman is not obligated to receive the efforts of a man to express his desire for a particular woman; but if she does accept them, i think she does need to say no with an apology. brushing off the "advances" of random males is not what i am describing.
Why? Why should a women apologise when men wouldnt do the same?
This undid me in the most beautiful way.
Not because it was romantic or lofty, but because it was true. Because it saw women not as symbols or plot points, but as full, breathing people who have always carried more than they were ever meant to.
It reminded me of someone in my life. Someone who listens instead of tries to solve. Who stays in the room when the truth gets uncomfortable. Who doesn’t look at me and see a puzzle to decode... but a whole world worth learning with patience, presence, and awe.
And it also reminded me of all the moments I wasn’t seen. Of the times I was adored for my softness and punished for my strength. Expected to soothe while never being held. It made space for that grief, and it honored it.
Thank you for writing this. For holding up a mirror without turning it into a weapon. For being brave enough to ask men to unlearn. For reminding all of us—regardless of gender—what it means to truly see someone.
Not to solve. Not to save.
Just to stay.
So beautifully said.
This is weird; I relate to this, as a determined but neurotic and somewhat conflict averse man. A Bitch: someone who doesn’t perform their gender well.
This a beautiful piece of writing. It touched me deeply and I could relate to it as I have stumbled through 40 years of marriage. It was only when our marriage was on the brink of end five years ago, that I began to really see, listen to, and appreciate my wife and all her strength and tenderness. I learned more about her in the last five years of doing deep hard work with her to save our marriage than I learned in the previous 35.
so proud of you bill! 🫶🏻
Who are you? Where have you been? How on earth did you teach me things I’ve always felt but haven’t fully acknowledged? I can hardly believe this was written by a man. Thank God! At last! What a gift. The woman who is your match will be blessed beyond her wildest dreams. I’m so glad this was written by a man. Treasure your gift and spread your message across the world. This post makes me believe that all things are possible.
This is beautiful, especially coming from a man with a gentle point of view. I read your earlier post on 'what women don't understand about men' and both perspectives are beautiful and vulnerable. Thank you
reminding me of the phrase " man written by a woman "
this is it. quite literally.
“We want the rewards of intimacy without the responsibilities of presence.” 👏
What a gorgeous piece - thank you for writing, and sharing for the benefit of your readers willing to examine the truths you’ve laid out
What if the greatest illusion wasn’t the idea that women are mysterious, but the idea that men were ever really looking?
We say women are complex, like it’s a riddle to crack open over wine and candlelight. But what if we’ve only ever been seeing outlines, not interiors? Scripts, not souls?
Men wax poetic about the feminine mystique, chasing it like it’s a plot twist. But maybe what they call “mystery” is just the echo of voices they never stopped to listen to. The kind of silence that isn’t absence, but restraint. The kind that holds back because it’s learned, too many times, that speaking doesn’t mean being heard.
We say we respect women, yet we know more about what they wear than what keeps them up at night. We admire their beauty, their strength, their resilience, but rarely pause long enough to ask what did it cost her to survive today?
Women navigate this world like tightrope walkers, soft but strong, kind but not weak, beautiful but not threatening. They bend. They balance. They absorb. And the applause they get for that act? Often hollow. Often late.
There’s a quiet tragedy in being loved for your softness but punished for your strength. In being touched but never truly seen.
And somewhere along the way, boys learn that emotions are landmines. That needing something makes you weak. That vulnerability is for girls, and girls are puzzles, not people.
So the love they offer becomes performance. And what they expect in return isn’t partnership, it’s relief. Validation. Rescue.
But love isn’t a mirror. And a woman isn’t your second chance at childhood. She’s not your therapist, your teacher, or your unfinished poem. She’s a person. One who doesn’t owe you her softness, her forgiveness, or her time, especially when you’ve never earned her understanding.
To love a woman is not to stand in front of her with answers. It’s to sit beside her with questions. To hold space when it’s messy. To witness when it’s loud.
Real intimacy? It doesn’t demand she shrink. It dares you to grow.
We keep calling women “complicated,” when maybe the real complexity is what’s required of them just to move through the world intact.
And maybe the real mystery isn’t who she is.
Maybe it’s whether you’re brave enough to find out.
Not by fixing. Not by solving. Just by staying. By seeing. By choosing her, not as a role, but as a reality.
Maybe then, and only then, does love become what it was always meant to be: not rescue. Not redemption. But recognition.
And isn’t that what we all want in the end?
To be seen. Truly seen. And still, gently, beautifully chosen.
I wrote this note here recently:
I figured it out,
1 Don't sexualize her
2 Do not make her explain herself
3 Don't be predictable
4 Do not try to get commitment
5 Listen, just listen
Accept what she is willing to give you
What men don’t (want to) understand about women
some are trying to, and soon they will <3
That’s a great sentiment. People should always try to understand other people. But people are messy and confounding, and going in with any sort of game plan, as men are wont to do, is a recipe for disaster. Best to just be real and if it clicks, stick with it. If not, well, that’s kind of the norm.
Also, for a lot of women today, ‘being understood’ ie ‘expressing satisfaction’ is to admit defeat somehow. Probably after centuries of signaling that their worth is measured in how hard they are to please.
not for how she makes you feel, but for who she is when no one is watching.
This so beautiful, I found myself loving and appreciating each of your writing, it makes me feel whole, each time I read something I feel so seen..
Some men don’t understand or care to understand women. Some women don’t understand or care to understand men. Some people don’t understand or care to understand other people.
Beautiful. Thank you for this piece.
One thing that might help you deepen your understanding of men and women is biology. It is the missing piece for so many. You wrote: “Somewhere along the way, society taught boys to conquer”. If you examine human behavior (all of it) through an evolutionary lens, looking at the behavior of other primate species and mammals in general you will see many similarities. The array of human behavior seen in other mammals are triggered by instincts and drives that we share with them. These instincts and drives trigger our behaviors and emotions, which trigger our thoughts. And the male DRIVE to conquer, while it varies among individual men has roots older than humanity itself.
It’s important to take great care when trying to extrapolate from other primates to human behaviors. Homo sapiens split from other primates around 2 million years ago. Most of what differentiates humans from other primates came during the intervening period, from intelligence to creativity to collective cooperation. The concept of a primate male drive to conquer is an invented interpretation that is sociological rather than biological in origin; no such commonality is actually seen across all primate species. Whatever our instincts may be, they are mediated and expressed through mental and emotional lives that are entirely different than the closest primates, chimpanzees and bonobos.
this is so beautiful. i feel like you understood everything i’ve felt. you touched my heart in the most beautiful way.
you’re truly so talented, kind-hearted and mesmerizing human being. i hope joy, success, love and bravery into your life. thank you for writing this, your words are truly so beautiful and important, everybody have to read this. this has to be seen and read by every single human being.
i can sense how beautiful your soul and heart is by reading this. that’s a gift. i hope you’re feeling good and i’m sending lots of love & hugs for you 🤍
with love, julia